Here is Part 3 of the e-mail report:
"Three Easy Ways to Improve Your Child's
Behavior Today."
(You requested it from AdhdParentingTips.com.)
------------------------------------------------
Part 3 - "The 15 Red-Flag Meltdown Mouthfuls"
Ever wonder why your child with ADD/ADHD (attention-deficit/hyperactivity disorder) has
meltdowns?
Well, there are lots of reasons. Here's a biggie
(and the fourth thing you need to know to help
your child).
Like the red flag in front of the charging bull,
the following 15 words will set off your child
every time.
They give him or her little choice but to melt
down. And share some of the misery with you.
These are the words that irritate your child's
ears:
•Always, as in "You always break things."
•Can't, as in "You can't play outside."
•Impossible, as in "It's impossible."
•No (running)
•Don't (do that)
•Should/Must/Ought
•Stupid/Bad/Crazy
•Wait!
•What? (as a one-word question)
•Why? (as a one-word punitive question)
•Wrong! (as a judgmental response)
If you have been saying them, go ahead and forgive
yourself. You had no way of knowing.
Just resolve to adopt these positive words that
work like a magic ointment to soothe the message
you deliver.
Let's go through them one-by-one.
It's a good idea to read aloud the "say instead"
and "example" parts. And plant this lesson firmly
in your mind.
You may want to put a copy of this report on your
refrigerator to help you adopt the positive
language.
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1.Rather than: Always, as in "You always fail to
keep your promise."
_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _
Say instead: "For the last [time period], you
[undesirable action or lack of action], and I have
been [feeling word]. [State when and how the
desired action will be enforced]."
_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _
Example: "For the last four evenings, you promised
to pick up your toys before bedtime. And I have
been disappointed every time. Tonight, I'll need
to see all toys picked up before your bedtime
snack."
(How can your child argue with that?)
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2.Rather than: Can't, as in "You can't play outside."
_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _
Say instead: "It's too [reason your child cannot do
what he or she wants] to [what he or she wants to do].
You can [choices of things he or she can do.]"
_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _
Example: "It's too wet to play outside. You can
stay in and color, play games, watch a video, or
be bored."
(Avoiding boredom makes anything sound good, right?)
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3.Rather than: Impossible, as in "It's impossible
for me to be nice to you now."
_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _
Say instead: "[State what caused it to be difficult
to do what he wants.] It's difficult (or very
difficult) [to do what your child wants]. [State the
desired action or result before your child can get
what he or she wants.]"
_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _
Example: "You called me bad names this morning.
Now you want me to fix your favorite meal. It's
very difficult for me to do something special for
you now. If I hear you using polite language, I
might change my mind. So, find ways to use polite
language."
(Watch your child scramble to please you.)
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4.Rather than: No (running) and Don't (do that)…
_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _
Say instead: "Please [specify the desirable
behavior]."
_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _
Examples:
•"Please walk."
•"Please use your inside voice."
•"Please put your hands on your lap so I can see
them."
(You're still getting your point across, but your
child has nothing to complain about. It's logical.)
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5.Rather than: Should/Must/Ought…
_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _
Say instead: "[Who] need/s to [state desired action
or result]. Then, [who] will [state when desired
action or result will occur]."
_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _
Example: "We need to start picking up the toys.
Then, we'll go wash up and get ready for dinner."
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6.Rather than: Stupid/Bad/Crazy…
_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _
Say instead: "It's unwise to [state undesirable
action or misbehavior]. [State the consequences to
avoid]."
_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _
Example: "It's unwise to mess with fire ants. If
you're bitten, you'll itch and suffer."
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And now we come to the four W's. Although these
one-word responses and commands seem necessary,
they're probably also responsible for many meltdowns.
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7.Rather than: Wait!
_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _
Say instead: "Be patient. [State when desired
action or result will occur.]" Give your child
choices while he or she waits.
Set the timer so your child can gauge the progress.
_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _
Example: "Be patient. We'll be leaving in five
minutes. You may read the comics."
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8.Rather than: What? (as a one-word question)…
_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _
Say instead: "I hear you. [Ask the question that
you want to know or understand.]"
_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _
Example: "I hear you. Can you explain what you
just said? I'll listen carefully this time."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
9.Rather than: Why? (as a punitive question)…
_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _
Say instead:
•"How come?"
•"Please explain the reasons that caused
[state the questionable action or result]."
•Or, "please give me [#] reasons for [state the
questionable action or result]."
_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _
Examples:
•"Please explain the reasons that caused you to
fail math?"
•"Please give me three reasons for kicking me."
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This is the last one. And you'll come to love it
best.
10.Rather than: Wrong! (as a judgmental response)…
_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _
Say instead:
•"It's [undesirable adjective] to [state the
action and why it is unacceptable]." Your child
will learn values and manners more conceptually.
•Or, "please give me [#] reasons for [state the
questionable action or result]."
_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _
Examples:
•"It's rude to kick people because it violates
their personal space."
•"It's selfish to eat all of the cookies without
offering some to your sister."
•"It's reckless to kick a ball in the house near
things that can be broken."
•"Please give me three reasons for throwing rocks
at the girls on the playground."
Reserve the word "wrong" only to describe health,
safety, and education issues.
Example: "It's wrong to smoke cigarettes because
it endangers your health and causes cancer. It's
a health issue."
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This improvement in your vocabulary will take a
real effort. It's 100% worth your time to study and
practice this new skill.
After a few weeks of practice, this skill will be
so ingrained in you; you'll cringe when you see
other parents innocently making the same mistakes.
So practice, practice, practice.
Next, you'll learn another important skill that
will help you with your child. And with other
relationships.
It's absolutely critical that you learn this now.
So that you can teach your child later.
Children lacking this skill are often victimized
by bullies.
Thank you for this time. That's already three
tries at getting you to trust me. I hope it's
starting to work… :)
Sincerely yours in parenting success,
Debra Sale Wendler
www.adhdparentingtips.com
PS. Please watch your email in for ADD/ADHD Parenting
Report 4: "The 8-Step Ticket to Assertive Parenting."
I'm giving you some extra time to practice what you
have learned here.
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Please allow these truths to help you and your
child feel more successful. Denial and
procrastination will only make matters worse.
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